What if you died right now?

What if the Lord Jesus Christ came back on his chariot at this very moment?

Those were two questions (or something like them) I heard a lot in church and Sunday School as a kid and teenager, and even from a roommate at my Christian college.  The questions were always followed up with, "Is that really what you'd want to be doing when you die?  Is that where you'd want to be found, dead?  Would Jesus appreciate coming all the way back to Earth to see you doing that?"

Few thoughts instilled more fear than the thought of Jesus coming back just as I was doing something I shouldn't, like watching a rated R movie, or holding hands with a girl.  I suppose that was the point of the question.  You shouldn't do anything you wouldn't want Jesus to see, or go someplace you where you wouldn't want the coroner to find you.  If you wouldn't want your newspaper obituary to say it, don't do it, don't go there.

I've been thinking about that a lot lately, and I've realized there's a lot of places I need to avoid and activities I wouldn't want to suddenly keel over and die while doing.  These would be at least as embarrassing as being caught dead in a cheap strip club, so I'd rather avoid them altogether, just to be safe.

Places to Avoid, Just in Case Jesus Comes Back

Bath and Body Works
First of all, the possibility of death by fruity asphyxiation is a very real one, so I'd rather avoid this place anyway.  But I can think of few things worse than the news reporting I had been found dead while perusing canisters of lavender scented "body butter."


Renaissance Fair
Before there was World of Warcraft, nerds actually met in person and pretended to be Robin Hood.  Today, the tradition is kept alive by nerds whose parents cut off their high speed internet, and must get back to their roots at Ye Olde Renaissance Fair.  There's just no cool way to be caught dead in a leotard with a mutton joint in your mouth.  I think even Jesus stopped saying "Ye" and "Thee" a few years ago.


Build-A-Bear Workshop
There is just no good explanation for a childless man in his late-twenties to be in a shop, building his own teddy bear.  I don't think even Jesus would understand that one.  Kind of like that time I told Dad I'd be in the school production of The Wizard of Oz...as Dorothy.  Exit stage left.


Buffalo Wild Wings - Just after having picture taken for eating 12 "Flaming Hot" wings in six minutes.
There are fewer finer achievements of the human spirit than the victory of man vs. food.  For millennia, man has struggled in his war to rid the world of its excess food in a battle of sheer, unbelievable gluttony, and immortalized it's finest heroes in Polaroids after their triumphs.  But I just don't think food is an enemy we can beat.  And I'd rather be a pacifist than die trying. 


The Sex Reference / Self Help aisle at Barnes and Noble
Everyone who goes to this aisle looks as if they think Jesus is going to appear right then and there in that aisle with them (as I can see from my safe vantage point in the Gardening and Cooking aisle.)  Even if Jesus doesn't come back, the Sex Reference people have to endure the dirty looks from the Self-Help people who have real problems, that only Suzanne Somers can solve.

Alabama
I have never heard one good thing about Alabama.  I'm sure it's a great place to the people who live there, and my tetanus shots are up to date, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

Dressed as the Statue of Liberty on the street corner for local tax services.
I've often been tempted to apply for that job, but outside of context, wearing a Statue of Liberty costume does look slightly, completely insane.  I'd hate to be raptured right there on that sidewalk and get stuck forever with that costume as my heavenly robe and crown.


Perched on front of boat with arms outstretched, shouting, "I'm the king of the world!"
I'm pretty sure the first rule of heaven will be "no Titanic references."  Anyone caught doing this will be pushed overboard.


In line for the midnight release of the "New Moon" DVD.
This is self-explanatory.  Harry Potter is so much better.

I'm sure the list will grow.  What about you?  What's on your list of places you wouldn't be caught dead?
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I've been reading a great book.

It's a Christian book.  It's by a pastor named Philip Gulley.  It's called If the Church Were Christian.  It's really good.

And I totally disagree with everything the book says.

I mean I can still read the book.  It's probably a good thing to read books that you disagree with.  It's given me lots of time to evaluate what I do believe.

But I wouldn't go to the guy's church or anything and listen to his sermons.

That got me thinking.  I disagree with tons of people.  I disagree with the thoughts, religions, politics, and personal decisions of most Hollywood actors.  But I still enjoy their movies.  I disagree with a lot of blogs I read.  But I still respect them and read them regularly.  But my church?  I generally want it to be a safe haven of my own brand of hive-minded Christianity.  I want people to agree with what I say.  I want my opinions to be validated and my ego stroked by not having any nay-sayers.  I like a church full of the "same kind" of Christians as me.  We believe the same things.  We worship the same way.  And all the things we believe are the "best" form of Christianity, obviously.

I know that's dangerous.  I couldn't stand it at my Baptist college.  Some people there were obsessed with agreeing on everything.  There were even students who wanted to "cleanse" the library of books that were contrary to Christianity.  Believe me, I wasn't the only one who vocally disagreed.  I thought I went to college to learn, and not just the Bible.  I made it my mission to remind everyone we were at an academic institution, not church camp.

In fact, just about every place in life, we expect to disagree with people.  It's even good to disagree with people.  Take these five examples:

Where It's Better to Disagree

Government
Seriously, when everyone in Congress agrees, it always gets us into trouble.  It doesn't matter which party is in control.  They always screw it up.  Government works best when the people we elect can't get along. 

Science
If there's one group of people we want to disagree, it's scientists!  If a doctor tells us something we don't like, we go for a second opinion, which we hope will prove the first guy to be a quack.  When scientists start saying things like "the debate on global warming is over," there's something fishy, as we've found out.  Plus, it's always fun to see a bunch of nerds duke it out.

When your girlfriend is being ridiculous
Guys, there's no reason you always have to agree with your lady.  Some guys try to just give in and let the girl win the argument, in order to "make up," but this is not a good strategy, as women do not respect guys who do not think for themselves.  In fact, if your woman is being ridiculous, it's because you aren't doing your job of telling her what to think. 

When your boyfriend is being an airhead
Ladies, you and I both know that the world needs a good dose of estrogen to counteract all the testosterone being flung all over the place.  Don't go along with some idiot idea your man has just because you want to be a good wife and support him.  I can't tell you how many times my wife has saved me from walking into a bad idea.

When your friends are about to pour several dozen glow sticks all over themselves
If only our one smart friend had disagreed with us about how "awesome" it would be to smear glowing diphenyl oxalate all over our bodies...if only.  He just sat there absentmindedly until it was too late, and then told us the stuff causes cancer.  At least we looked awesome, until we were yelling in pain and hosing each other down in the middle of the night.

Obviously, there are many times when it's better to disagree than to go with the flow.  But when it comes to church, why are we so uncomfortable with people who disagree?

Think about this: say I was your pastor.  What would be your threshold for disagreeing with me before you left my church?  What would I have to say to get you to leave?

Would I have to tell you I believe Mary wasn't a virgin?  What if I said I believe in infant baptism?  Or that I don't believe in infant baptism?  What if I favored ordaining practicing homosexuals as ministers?  What if I vocally opposed homosexuals in the ministry?  Would you leave if you found out I was pro-choice, or believed Jesus was not sinless, or that the Bible is more "metaphorical" than literal?  What if I was a Mormon or a Unitarian or a Republican or a Democrat or Glenn Beck?

Chances are, just about all of you would leave my church over one of those things.  Fortunately, I just pulled random thoughts out of the air, so you don't know what I believe about any of those things.  I'm not Glenn Beck.

But Christianity is full of people who believe all those opposing viewpoints.  So what's really important?  Where is your threshold for disagreement in your church?  Where would you have to draw the line on what your church friends believe about Jesus or the Bible or church or anything else about life?  Is it important that you agree with your pastor, or is he cool with you as long as he loves Jesus, whatever Jesus looks like to him?
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What makes church "church?"

What is the one thing a church has to have in order for that hour on Sunday to be "church?"

Honestly, as a pastor, I don't think I really know anymore.

What Makes It "Church?"

Is it Communion?
Most of our churches follow the same format on Sundays.  They are, despite some bells and whistles, the same basic formula.  There's some singing, a sermon, some announcements, and an offering taken up.  And if we're feeling really holy, we squeeze in Communion.  Some churches make a big production out of Communion.  Some churches seem like it's just the one day they allow snacks in the sanctuary. 

Is it the sermon?
My Baptist preaching professor loved to wax poetic about the "supremacy" of preaching.  Meaning: if you don't have anything but a sermon (and mandatory altar call), that's okay, because that's all that really matters in church anyway.  That seems a tad bit self-important and narcissistic to me, and I'm a preacher.  And how did we land on forty minutes as the "ideal" sermon length?  Was someone pining for the days when they daydreamed through their college lectures?  Because without singing, that's kind of what you have in church.  There are days when our worship leader is gone, so we don't sing.  And I know that my sermon feels more like a lecture than it should.

Is it the singing?
Though I don't really know how we mandated singing as an integral part of worship.  If you think about it, saying rhyming words in unison with other people is a pretty weird thing to do.  It's not like I just pop into song on Monday morning with my quartet of coworkers like a hot Broadway musical.  Believe me, I've tried, and it does not come off at all well.  It was as if no one even looked at the songsheets I distributed on Friday, much less memorized them.  Julie Andrews would've projectile vomited if she had seen us.  But in church, I feel it is good, nay necessary that I break into song, and it always flows without a hitch.

Is it the building?
Lots of people are sentimental about the building they go to church in.  Which is kind of a barrier for me when I tell them about my house church.  They can't imagine what it must be like for a church to not have a building.  For that matter, they seem confused about how it can actually be a church without a building.  They also seem to not comprehend the steps it takes to get a building, including having a lot of people, and a lot of money.  Guess what?  No one can serve two masters.  You can't worship a building and money, people.  You have to pick one. 

Is it just showing up?
So what can you throw away and still have church?  A priest in Ireland is trying to throw almost everything away and see if he can still have church.  His morning mass now has no sermon, minimal singing, a speedy Communion, and lasts 15 minutes. (Sunday mass, I'm guessing is still long and boring.) 

Fifteen minutes?  That's half the time I spend watching a hilarious episode of The Office.

And guess what...it's working.  People are showing up.  They like it because they go to church and then get on their way to work.

Sure, it's a weekday mass and not Sunday morning.  But it makes me ask: what is really necessary in church?  If we had 15 minutes on Sunday morning, would that do?  Jesus said, "Where two or three are gathered..." He didn't say what they had to do while they were gathered, or how long they should gather.

Still, I don't know.  Is the point of church to just worship God, or do you need to gain new knowledge or grow spiritually?  Is it church if you "fill your tank" and improve your marriage and finances in three convenient sermon points?  What if the sermon is garbage anyway?  Is it still church, or would it have been more "church" with no sermon at all?  What if you just passively listen and don't really absorb the sermon?  Maybe after all the sermonizing and offerings, your church only spends about 15 minutes "worshipping" anyway!

So, is the "quickie" mass innovative, or pointless?

The more I think about it, the more conflicted I really am.  What do you think?  What is the lowest common denominator of "church?"  How much can you do without, and what do you have to have?  Do we have an idol in our preaching?  Or is this Irish church setting the bar way too low?
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